Part 2: Early Diagnosis

It’s been a hell of a week. On Sunday September 20^th,  I felt a lump under my jawline on my left side of my neck.  I was concerned, and my hand kept returning to the neck trying to figure it out.  I googled lumps on one’s neck and it said that if they are tender and move, they are probably an infection. Mine feels pretty hard! The next morning, thinking I was being paranoid, I asked Suzy to see if she could feel them.  Much to my alarm, it took her less than a second to find it.

I called our family doctor’s office and got an appointment for that day and saw Dr. S.  She felt and asked a few questions — looking back, she asked a lot fewer than she would’ve if the answer weren’t reasonably obvious.  It all felt pretty relaxed. We spoke about her new baby, and her coming back to work after 3 months, etc.  She sent me to get an ultrasound on my neck. All seemed “normal”, thinking of the King’s air-quoted “country”, at that point. (Let me give you a warning, I have Hamilton on my mind, and will use many quotes from it!). If the results were nothing, she would just leave a message on the portal, and call me if something was important.  She probably expected to be calling, but I certainly never thought she would.

Then on Wednesday, I couldn’t take my red rice yeast pills.  They are big, very big, but I had never had issues before.  I realized I hadn’t been able to take them here and there.  I even cut it in half, still couldn’t take it.  I sent Dr. S a message basically saying I couldn’t swallow, was breathing shallow, dry cough, etc.  I didn’t mention it to Suzy, not trying to hide anything, but it didn’t seem that momentous, if that’s the right word.  Dr. S responded via the portal that I should come back in. Suzy and I went to the medical imaging office and got the ultrasound — and since we were close to the Chuckbox, we went to our first restaurant since February. We ordered burgers, fries, rings, and sodas for curbside pickup. We ate in the car, and in the days of COVID-19, it felt almost normal. It was delicious!

Thursday morning, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. T, my usual family physician, to talk about what the results of the test were.  Again, I am not sure I was expecting anything, but we talked about the report which stated the lumps could be anything from malignancy to an infection.  Now I realize that those were alarming words.  I wasn’t worried at this point, and innocently asked him, “What are your thoughts about this?”  His answer surprised me, although I think he was just being honest.  He said, “I just want to make sure it’s not cancer.”  He ordered a CT scan with an iodine marker. 

So back to the medical imaging office on Friday morning for the scan.  Again, I was totally unaware of the train coming around the corner.  Friday afternoon, THE CALL came from Dr. S at 2:30.   She said that the scan showed a malignant tumor at the base of my tongue, with not one but two lymph nodes impacted. Oh, shit.  I now realize those are probably cancerous also, but it didn’t seem relevant at that time.  I could hardly breathe; I didn’t know what to say. Dr. S said you’ll need a surgeon and an oncologist.   I was in the bedroom talking and she actually said it twice, as I think she realized I was in shock and maybe didn’t get it.  Right at that time, Suzy walked in to fold some laundry and saw my face.  The look on her face was awful as I began to cry.  I hung up and said I had CANCER.  It was something I couldn’t believe I was saying.  I still hope that by some miracle, it won’t be so, but I know it is. 

Dr. S called again a few minutes later and said she was messaging an oncologist.  I was stunned, am still stunned by how rapidly life had changed in the time of covid.  I was in total shock.  I could hardly talk.  A few days before, Suzy had called the kids to tell them that the ultrasound showed something, and that I was going to have more tests.  Both Lee and Eric were sure it was nothing, as was I.  Now we had to call them and tell them I have cancer.  I couldn’t do it, so Suzy did it for me.  I later talked to both of them and they are there for me.

A mere 5 days had passed from feeling a lump to having cancer. It’s a blur, sir!  

Suzy and I were both googling. I am not sure what I was looking at as I was kind of out it. Suzy said she couldn’t forgive herself for giving me HPV and causing this cancer.  She must have said this on Saturday morning.  Google must have set off an alarm.  It turns out, the cancer I have generally is caused by either: 1) smoking and/or heavy alcohol use or 2) HPV (human papilloma virus). I hadn’t got that far in my googling yet.  I said, and fully believe, that she didn’t cause anything.  She has HPV, and so do I. I don’t know which one of us got it first or gave it to the other, it doesn’t matter to me.  I have NO, NONE, ZILCH bad feelings about this.  For her, this seems to be overwhelming.  I really just want to get through this.