6.2 The Occasional Woe is me

In the post about my diagnosis, I commented on having given up making friends when I traveled for work.  A good friend from that time commented that I was mistaken. She said I had made close friends and that she was one of those close friends from that time.

Gail made me realize sometimes I am going to feel sorry for myself, and that was a great example.  Cancer feels isolating, and the coronavirus pandemic magnifies that isolation.  One of the first people I talked to at length about my diagnosis was Ric from my time at Accenture.  I am sure that part of the post bothered him (or it will now that I am pointing it out).

I am apologizing for that statement and anything I say that may say in the future that is self-serving.  I am trying to write what is happening and what I am thinking and feeling.

Let me expand on this thought.  People say writing down thoughts is therapeutic and somehow enlightening.  My niece Cindy said, “Keep writing it, every little bit you can express will keep it from bottling up in you!”

The past few days I have been thinking about what Cindy and Gail said.  I have at least somewhat figured it out.  Let me explain.  Yesterday, Suzy and I had a series of radiation treatment plan appointments.  One consultation was with a woman who was working on a study. The study focuses on the difference in side effects between the last two generation of radiation therapies.  I completed a survey that queried my current condition on an entire page of side effects.  Since I hadn’t started therapy yet, I didn’t have anything to report.

After we returned home, I went on a hike/walk on a trail on the outskirts of our neighborhood. I was thinking about that long list of side effects.  I started to project that entire list on how it would impact me and those around me, but mostly on how it would impact me. It made me very sad and quite upset.  For me, writing this blogs is important to not getting too far ahead of myself.  I need to stay focused on:

  1) the big picture as Dr. P (my Radiation Oncologist) said in the first consultation, more than once,

  2) the things that are happening in the next few days,  

  3) what I learned so far and

  4) my overall health – exercise, stretching, eating well, etc.

So again, sometimes I am going to drop into the woe is me talk and I hope you can forgive me or at least understand.  Thanks!