Todd

I recently lost a friend, Todd, to cancer.  A few nights ago, Suzy and I went to an event to celebrate Todd.  Each of us was asked to say something.  In retrospect, here is what I wished I had said, although I am 100% positive I could not have gotten through this without blubbering and crying.  

We met on a Mayo cancer support zoom call during those dark days of COVID and cancer. Todd had a different kind of head and neck cancer and was about 3 weeks behind me in his treatment.  At first, we just texted, then we met regularly for coffee and played a few rounds of golf and texted all the while.  We became close friends using each other as sounding boards to voice our biggest fears and our happiest thoughts and experiences.

Even though Suzy, Lee, Eric, Irene, and Heidy were with me every step of the way, I did not want to burden them with all my fears and thoughts.  Cancer can really conjure up fears – both reasonable and unreasonable.  Suzy had her own fears, and I had mine, probably many of them the same and many we discussed. However, some were unspoken between us.  

Same for Todd. He did not want to overly burden his wife nor his son, but that’s Todd’s story, not mine.  I’ll stick to my view of that little world.  

I could say anything to Todd, and he could say anything to me.  It was a relationship built on listening and trust. Todd and I listened, asked questions, voiced thoughts that supported the other on the other’s terms and how it affected the other. Todd certainly did that for me and I did my best to do that for him.  Most importantly, we trusted each other to not overreact or judge or downplay fears when voiced.  We had many of the same fears – death, family, restrictions, future impacts.  We would let fears be exposed and recognized, and most importantly, not rationalized.

I had quarterly scans, as did Todd.  While mine were always showing no cancer, Todd’s were always non-conclusive.  Eventually, Todd was told his cancer was going to be fatal.  We spoke a few times over the next couple of weeks over coffee.  I was almost embarrassed that I was okay and Todd was not. He never made me feel like I should not be happy about my prognosis, and he was always happy for me.  Todd and his wife traveled the world – skiing in Canada, traveling to Scandinavia, Asia, wherever their hearts desired.  They spent 18 months building memories and being with each other.  Amazingly, he even completed the NYC Marathon and completed a couple of half-ironman events.  I was so proud of him.  I hope he knew.

What have I learned from Todd. 

• Listen – really listen,
• Be there for friends and family when they need you,
• Be there in the moment,
• Don’t be judgmental about people’s fears, or try to rationalize those fears,
• Let people and difficult situations bring out your best,
• When a friend is sick or troubled, listen to them, let them say what needs to be said and support them to the best of your ability and
• Love your friends and family, and embrace everything about them when given the chance.

I have to say, Todd brought out the best in me.  I am not sure I live up to Todd’s actions, but I hope I do at least most of the time.  I didn’t get to say goodbye, but I know Todd knew I would be there when he needed me, just like I know that he would have been there when I needed him.

Todd, thanks for being there for me. I love you and miss you.